Curse

A bittersweet tale of love, obsession, and the agony of holding on.

"May the ghost of my love linger in your heart when you yearn to feel whole. May the love you once ignored become the absence you can never escape.
In the darkest of days, let me be the warm sunlight you're so desperate for and realize you can't just steal the flame without sustaining its source."

I quietly wished for all of that whenever you hurt me, but I myself am cursed.
I'm cursed to so desperately cling to what once was, and by doing so, I keep coming back in hopes of everything going back to a time that will never be again—a repeating cycle in which no one benefits.

It's like I don't even know you anymore. You're so distant, even if you're within my hand's reach.
Unfortunately, I begin to realize that, after some time, I started resenting you, and that resentment turned into deep-seated hatred. The type of hate where breathing freely is a luxury you can't afford, and it makes you dislike yourself to a point of almost no return.
You might get scared that I'll leave, and you try to change until you become comfortable again and forget the promises you made.
I'm so desperate to stop writing such sad "love stories," but you would not allow me to.
Because love is a cruel disease, no matter from which angle you look at it, it makes you truly blind to the human evil.
But that, of course, is only true if you love the wrong person. Can you please be the right person?

Perhaps it was your laugh, or your hazel eyes, or that smile that lights up your entire face, maybe your voice or personality. I'm not sure which, but something kept me in this trap for what felt like an eternity. In the end, one of us will make a final decision. I'm just not sure if it will be the correct one.

I can still remember when we first met. It was a sunny April morning. I was nervous about starting a new job. My then new colleagues had their eyes on me like I was some helpless prey they couldn't wait to hunt. But then you showed up, and everyone got scared away. You were the only one who wasn't looking at me with that predatory gaze. Instead, you offered a shy smile and a firm handshake.

"Good morning!" you said with almost excitement in your voice as you got up from your desk to greet me. Almost losing my trail of thought, I greeted you as well.
From that moment on, I was fascinated with every move you made, from the way you talked on the phone with clients, to the way you commanded respect from others without even trying to do so, and the kindness you quietly showed to people without expecting anything in return.

The first month came and went, and without even realizing, I was falling hard but slowly forgetting how to land on my way down. You pulled me in like the moon pulls the sea, and like a shipwreck survivor, I was trying to find solid land to save myself, without success.
"I never want to hurt you." It was one of the first things you said to me. You engraved these words so deep in my soul, I forgot that you're capable of doing such things. However, just because you don't want to doesn't mean you won't eventually.
And well, I had the misfortune of being right.
You proved it with the indifference you had whenever I said I needed you, with the ways you tried so desperately to hide our relationship from the world, and how can I forget the subtle jealousy you made burn within me. It all became so soul-tiring and spirit-crushing, I no longer could hold the relationship together. It became cancerous. It ate us alive and took the best of our once beautiful love.

Recently, I got reminded of a century-old question. I thought hard and long: what my answer would be?


"Is it better to speak or to die?"
To die.

-M.A