My friend Shadow

Shadow who protects me from pain, by making sure I never have anything to lose.

The noise wakes me sometime after midnight. Sounds like something scratching against my bedroom window. Not loud, just enough to wake me up. I lie there for a bit listening, hoping it's a branch, possum, or something. Anything really. Then it happens again, and I know who it is before I even look.

Moon is pretty bright tonight. I can see backyard, fence, and trees behind it, but I can't really see her. Just the shape of someone standing outside my window where no one should be standing.

Shadow is back.

I get up and check the window. It's locked. Course it's locked, but I pull on it anyway, then check bedroom door, front door, and back. Everything's locked. Not that it matters. Locks don't keep the Shadow out.

When I get back to my room she's gone from the window. For a second I actually feel relieved, which is pretty stupid because I know exactly where she is.

*Hello.*

Her voice isn't behind me. It isn't outside either. It's in my head.

"Rack off."

*Nice to see you too.*

I get back into bed because what else am I supposed to do? There's nowhere I can go where she won't follow me. Actually, I prefer the nights when my master beats me awake in my own bed. At least those nights I know I'll probably survive until morning. She can torture me here as much as she wants. Remind me about every stupid thing I've ever said, every person who's walked away, every mistake I've made, and everything I hate about myself. But I'm in bed. There's only so much she can do to me here.

It's when she comes when I'm not home that scares the shit out of me. She comes like a bloody drop-bear. No warning, no time to prepare, just drops out of nowhere, and suddenly she's got you.

Last time I was driving.

I was on the motorway, doing close to the speed limit, when something started to feel wrong. I wasn't slowing down exactly. Speedo said I was still moving, cars were moving, and everything looked normal. It just didn't feel like I was going forward anymore.

So I gave it a bit more accelerator. Nothing. Numbers on the speedo went up, but I still couldn't feel the car moving forward. Then it started going backwards.

I know it wasn't. I knew it wasn't even while it was happening, but knowing something and feeling it are two completely different things. Motorway had become a river. My car was like a boat pointing upstream, but the current was dragging me back. I pushed harder on the accelerator, trying to make some headway, but it didn't matter. Engine was racing, speedo kept climbing, and I was still being swept backwards.

Trees rushed past. Signs, clouds, hills, whole bloody world seemed to be moving forward while I went the other way. Then I looked in the rear-view.

Something was coming up behind me.

I don't know what it was because there wasn't really anything there. It was more like nothing itself was coming. Like watching a bushfire rip through scrub, except there was no fire, no smoke, no bloody anything. Just nothingness eating everything behind me and getting closer no matter how hard I tried to get away.

So I pushed harder, trying to outrun something that wasn't even there.

Then, just like that, Shadow let go.

River became motorway again. World snapped back into place, and I wasn't going backwards. I was going forward.

Way too bloody fast, mate.

I hit the brakes and somehow got onto the shoulder. Just sat there, both hands gripping the steering wheel, shaking like a leaf while cars flew past. Guys going to work, couple of sheilas taking the kids somewhere, trucks doing whatever trucks do. Everyone just carried on with their day like nothing had happened.

I stayed there for hours. Might've been most of the day. Don't really remember. Just remember being too scared to drive again.

That's why I prefer her here. My bed can't do 120.

*You're welcome,* Shadow says.

"For what?"

*You survived.*

"You nearly killed me."

*Aw!*

She's got an answer for everything.

Weird thing is, Shadow isn't always bad. Actually, she's a mate. Protects me from people.

I'm shit at social stuff. Always have been. Never know what people are talking about, and even when I do, I usually have nothing to add. Sport is the worst. Everyone seems to follow something. Footy, cricket, soccer, whatever. I don't get 'em, they're all Red vs Blue to me. Can't be arsed remembering who scored what, so I don't watch them.

Apparently that's not a great conversation starter.

I went to a Meetup once. Can't remember what made me think that was a good idea. Probably read something somewhere about getting out, meeting people, and making friends. You know, all that crap people tell you when they think being alone is something you just haven't tried hard enough to fix.

Shadow told me not to go. I went anyway.

Everyone was standing around talking like they'd known each other forever. Someone says something, someone else answers, another fella jumps in, everyone laughs, and somehow they all know when they're supposed to talk and what they're supposed to say. I stood there trying to work out the rules.

Eventually this guy came over and started talking to me. Seemed OK. Asked a few questions, tried to include me, and for a while I thought maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all.

Then he asked, "So what do you do for fun?"

"Um, nothing."

He laughed. I hadn't meant it as a joke.

"No, seriously, mate. What do you get up to after work?"

I stood there trying to think of something. Anything. Surely I did something normal people would call fun.

"Don't really have a hobby or nothing."

That pretty much killed it. I don't blame him. How was he supposed to do anything with that?

Shadow didn't even bother saying anything on the way home. She didn't need to.

So what do I do after work? Sometimes I write things. I spent three hours once trying to write a reply to someone because I wanted it to sound interesting. Three bloody hours for a reply. My first post took me more than two weeks, and after all that it was still crap.

Mostly I watch the wall. Nothing interesting about my wall, but that's sort of the point. It's plain and doesn't change. Doesn't want anything from me, never asks what I do for fun, and doesn't look uncomfortable when I answer honestly. Wall doesn't tell me we should catch up again sometime, then piss off and never speak to me again.

Wall's lucky really. Doesn't have a Shadow of its own existence following it around. Sometimes I wish I was the wall. At least a wall has a purpose; I don't.

*See?* Shadow says. *You're getting it.*

That's why she's my mate. Keeps me away from places where strangers can hurt me, because sooner or later one of them will try to be my friend. Someone will talk to me, pretend to be interested, and maybe I'll start thinking they actually like me. Maybe I'll let them in.

Then one day I'll realize I haven't heard from them for a while. I'll send a message. Nothing. Maybe another one a week later. Still nothing. Then I'll sit there trying to work out what I did wrong, reading every conversation backwards and forwards looking for the moment I stuffed it up.

Shadow saves me from all that.

She knows if I ever find some happiness, someone will eventually come along and take it away. So she keeps it away from me in the first place. Can't lose something you never had, and can't be abandoned if nobody gets close enough to leave.

*Exactly.*

"Wasn't talking to you."

*You're always talking to me.*

Friggin' smartarse.

Tonight she starts going through the list again. People who left, people who said they'd call, people who used me when they needed something, then disappeared when they didn't. People I thought were friends who apparently weren't. Shadow remembers every bloody one of them.

Funny thing is, she never remembers anyone who stayed.

"You make my life sound like shit."

*Isn't it?*

"No."

*What's good about it then?*

I don't answer straight away. She waits. Shadow's good at waiting, knows silence does most of her work for her.

"My kids."

That shuts her up for a bit.

My kids are still growing up. Their lives have only just begun, and there's stuff I still want to see. Stuff they haven't done yet, places they haven't been, people they haven't become. I'm not finished yet. My race hasn't run.

Shadow knows that, and she knows my kids are sort of the loophole between us. I'm allowed to be happy when they're happy.

Birthdays are fine. I can buy presents, do something stupid to make them laugh, and enjoy watching them open things. Christmas is safe too. Easter. Anything where the point is making them happy, Shadow lets me have that. There's just one rule. Happiness has to be theirs, not mine.

As long as I remember that, everything's sweet.

It's when I forget that we have problems. When I start thinking maybe somebody did something because they wanted *me* to be happy. When I think someone might actually want me around, or that maybe I deserve some love, respect, or gratitude without having to earn it first. That's when Shadow starts scratching at the window.

*You know what happens.*

"Yeah."

*You get your hopes up, then they leave.*

"I know."

*And it hurts.*

"I bloody know."

She goes quiet, and so do I.

I lie there looking at the window. Moon's moved now, and I can't see much outside. Sometimes I wonder if Shadow was ever actually standing there. Maybe she's never been outside at all.

There are nights when she talks about dying. Tells me it'd be easier. That maybe death would be more fair than this. She can fill my head with so much crap that I forget what being happy even felt like, then she points to that emptiness and says, *See?* Like she didn't put it there herself.

But she doesn't win. Not tonight.

"My kids still need me."

*For now.*

"That's enough."

She doesn't answer.

Sky outside slowly starts turning grey, and morning isn't far away. I can feel Shadow going, and I should be happy about that. Sometimes I wish she'd just rack off forever. That I'd wake up one night and there'd be nothing scratching against the glass, no voice in my head, and no one reminding me why happiness is dangerous.

But she's been with me a long time. Longer than most people.

She knows every stupid thing I've done, every person I've lost, every time I've been hurt, and every thought I've had at three in the morning that I'd never tell another person. Everyone else gets to leave.

Shadow stays.

Maybe that's why I call her my mate. Maybe that's just another lie she's taught me.

Sometimes I wish Shadow would forget about me.

But then I'd really be alone.